Today I will start a new medication. Not one my doctor wanted me to take. Not a medication I recommended. No. I am starting a medication I had no intention of taking; but, because strangers control my life, I am now. My insurance company is forcing me to take this drug so that I can “say” I tried it and can be prescribed another medication.
I had the gene test done. We have a list of medications that are supposed to react favorably to me based on my genetic makeup. *SCREAMS AND PULLS OUT HAIR*
My psychiatrist prescribed me a medication that was tagged by my bio markers; however, insurance rejected the medication. I feel like I have been in limbo for months. Either waiting for my symptoms to subside, or waiting for a doctors appointment, or waiting for my gene test results, or waiting for another doctor appointment for the results, waiting for my medication to be filled, waiting for my medication to be approved, waiting for another doctor appointment, being prescribed a new medication, waiting for that to be filled…and, now, waiting so see how this medication will effect me and documenting the side effects, concerns, changes, etc. I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON!
I truly dislike waiting. Even at Disney. My nerves are shot and my anxiety is high. I feel on edge, unsure, unstable, insecure, alone, scared, and overwhelmed. If dealing with all my “selfness” isn’t enough, I have three children and am married. I work one job, and own a business. No, the two are not the same. I am working part time to make ends meet, and am growing a business to help my dreams take flight. Some days, I don’t know how I do it and then, others I feel like WonderWoman. And, some days I feel like a scattered mess of mania and depression rolled into a ball of chaos.
So what do I do? I breath. I focus. I pray. I listen to music. I distract myself. I am mindful. In order for me to understand if this new medication is going to be an effective match, I must be hyper vigilant. Being pro-active and aware will help limit the negative effects. I just have to try it for a week. That’s what they told me. Who will this medication make me? I do not know. When strangers control your life, your body, your options, it makes everything just a little less you and a little more them.