Tag: self awareness

Strangers Control My Life

Today I will start a new medication. Not one my doctor wanted me to take. Not a medication I recommended. No. I am starting a medication I had no intention of taking; but, because strangers control my life, I am now. My insurance company is forcing me to take this drug so that I can “say” I tried it and can be prescribed another medication.

I had the gene test done. We have a list of medications that are supposed to react favorably to me based on my genetic makeup. *SCREAMS AND PULLS OUT HAIR*

My psychiatrist prescribed me a medication that was tagged by my bio markers; however, insurance rejected the medication. I feel like I have been in limbo for months. Either waiting for my symptoms to subside, or waiting for a doctors appointment, or waiting for my gene test results, or waiting for another doctor appointment for the results, waiting for my medication to be filled, waiting for my medication to be approved, waiting for another doctor appointment, being prescribed a new medication, waiting for that  to be filled…and, now, waiting so see how this medication will effect me and documenting the side effects, concerns, changes, etc. I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON!

I truly dislike waiting. Even at Disney. My nerves are shot and my anxiety is high. I feel on edge, unsure, unstable, insecure, alone, scared, and overwhelmed. If dealing with all my “selfness” isn’t enough, I have three children and am married. I work one job, and own a business. No, the two are not the same. I am working part time to make ends meet, and am growing a business to help my dreams take flight. Some days, I don’t know how I do it and then, others I feel like WonderWoman. And, some days I feel like a scattered mess of mania and depression rolled into a ball of chaos.

So what do I do? I breath. I focus. I pray. I listen to music. I distract myself. I am mindful. In order for me to understand if this new medication is going to be an effective match, I must be hyper vigilant. Being pro-active and aware will help limit the negative effects. I just have to try it for a week. That’s what they told me. Who will this medication make me? I do not know. When strangers control your life, your body, your options, it makes everything just a little less you and a little more them.

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Tilt-a-whirl of Emotions

All to often I find myself in a mess. A mess I created? Maybe. A mess of confusion? Misunderstanding? Jealousy? Resentment? Fear? Was it created by others? I don’t exactly know. It moves about too quickly to tell, most times, everything spinning and moving while I try to focus on a single point to ground me in the situation. Often it stops and I can exit, other times it continues in its pattern.

A pattern? Yes, a pattern of swirling and reality altering madness, stress induced lunacy, utter chaos disguised as well-formed thoughts. At one moment I believe I am in control of my emotions, only to be taught that they are wild like fire. They dance across the edges of my lips like tree tops, setting the world on fire with whatever emotion having ignited the blaze. Sadly, I wait until my family hates me and a village of people see me as a monster- that is when I try to remember what happened and why was said. It isn’t fair to hurt others when my mind is a mangled mess of conscious and hidden issues, the tilt-a-whirl of emotions doesn’t care.

I sit feeling empty, hating my deeds, and myself. There is no medication that can take away the scars we leave on others.

The Question Game

I have played games where someone says they can guess what object I am in 21 questions.

Really? I believe I must question, interrogate, waterboard, and interview myself at least 15 times a day… in that order.

My latest venture is opening a small business. I have asked myself at least a dozen times “Am I manic?” and so has my family. I am forced to over think because the risk of mania is so high with me. I am honest about it, and with rapid cycling it only takes a few stimuli to spark the fuse and light the firecracker.  I know I have the knowledge, expertise, and experience to execute my shop at a professional level; however, bipolar scares me. I don’t want to pop like a firecracker and then end up burnt out like a rocket. Self-awareness is crucial to those of us who have bipolar disorder.  I often feel hyper vigilant; however, vigilance is needed if I am going to make safe and informed decisions for myself and my family.