Abigail’s husband used to be married to a young lady who wanted a baby. They had their issues, but she had wanted a baby. He told her that since he couldn’t help her conceive that it would be fine if she had to go elsewhere to get pregnant as long as he didn’t know about it and it wasn’t an issue in the relationship. Fast forward to the present and this young lady has a beautiful daughter who is almost five. He is best friends with this child and her mother. He plays with, talks with, spoils, and watches this child. He enjoys the company of this little girl more so compared to his other children. Her father isn’t an ideal father or husband. There are issues there.
This story of love was told to Abigail, by her husband. “You can go get pregnant by someone else. We really wanted a baby.” What is she to think? The swirling thoughts of bipolar swirl like a blizzard and chill her longing heart. If she was out of the picture would her husband go to the child and mother? Is Abigail a fill in? Why is her husband still best friends with this woman and her child? Is there something wrong with her? Is she out of her mind? Is she making something out of nothing? Is this child his in his heart? Does he have two families?
That is what is frustrating about bipolar and mental illness, there are crystal clear picture perfect memories that stand out, and then there are months with no memories at all… like lost years. There are stories remembered and days forgotten. Moments of fixation and months of nothing outstanding. In that, swirls the blizzard of thoughts to be fed by the snippets and chunks of a “pick and choose” memory. What can be believed? When families are compound by work or past relationships everything can feel like a threesome and you are the only one no having any pleasure, you’re just there to watch.